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Marriage: You Pick A Person, And Then You Make It Work

Today, May 17, 2009, my parents have been married 29 years. 

Holy crap.  Love and Marriage. 

Let's start with love.  The thing about love is that, unless you've experienced it real and raw, you never understand it's power to heal.  It may be hard sometimes, but once you stop believing in love, it changes you. 

Then there's marriage.  The thing about marriage is that people don't give it the power it's due.  I believe it's because so many people haven't experienced it.  Nowadays, there are less and less instances of it being done the right way for people to use as reference points. 

When you get married, someone has said before GOD they are building a life with you.  You're no longer alone.  You can no longer be reckless with your behavior.  You have someone else to think of...someone who considers you his rib.  That's powerful. 

My mom and dad have the same bank account.  Yep that's right.  The exact same account.  My mom keeps track of all the finances.  My dad spends freely.  When his computer broke down, he went and bought a new Mac the same day.  When my mom wanted to go to TX to see her sister, she went and bought a plane ticket the same day. 

There are no 'rules'.  Their marriage is based on compromise and common ass sense.  And in a relationship, common ass sense added to respect is one hell of a foundation to build on. 

From a very early age I was able to dissect my parent's relationship into two categories: What I would do/deal with and what I wouldn't do/deal with.  The first column is so much bigger than the second. 

I think the secret sauce to my folk's longevity is that, even when life is throwing them curve balls, they never forget to take care of each other.  Tiffany calls me a sap, but I love seeing stuff like that--especially with young couples like her and Will.  

My parents always remember that this whole thing started with just the two of them and if the two of them aren't good, nobody in this house will be good.  It's such a real lesson.  I could not gain true insight into my life until I learned that about theirs.  And respected it. 

I ordered this amazing book off Amazon a few weeks ago.  Six-Word Memoirs on Love & Heartbreak by Writers Famous & Obscure.  It's collection of 'simple sagas' about passion, pain, love and loss--six words at a time.  I became obsessed with the concept, and began trying to sum up my relationships in six words or less but soon found the task too daunting. 

But if I ever got the chance to describe my parent's relationship in a six word memoir, it would simply read: They aren't perfect, they are committed. 

...I love you guys, Happy Anniversary!

The Journey Is Only Valuable If You Can Look Beyond The Controversy

I've always spilled my guts.  But I've also always had really good friends who were great at gut-handling.  I invest a lot into my friendships simply because I know that at some point, one of us is going to screw up.  I need to care about you enough to be able forgive you, even if I don't understand.  And vice versa.  We're as thick as thieves, baby! :)

I have to admit that it's difficult to build this kind of rapport with someone.  It's hard to make someone appreciate your core enough to not judge every single one of your actions.  It takes a special kind of effort that most people aren't willing to give.  Most people don't know how.         

At Sean's funeral a few weeks ago, one of his 'old friends' was a speaker.  He walked up to the podium and captivated the audience with candid stories about the times he and Sean spent together.  Then he told us that he and Sean had stopped hanging out about 2 years ago.

"Sean had ISSUES," he said, "I loved him, but the guy had issues" 

His statements didn't sit right with me.  Maybe because he said 'but' instead of 'and'.  Or maybe he could've said 'when'...But mostly, I think it was because he was talking about Sean's issues as if he didn't have any of his own.  Like his whole life had been perfect.  Please.  
 
I was reading Jamie's blog and she has an interesting discussion about whether all popularity was created equal.  She feels like the people who have made it to the top using traditional tactics (like blood, sweat, and tears) are more credible than those who have used another more controversial tactic (like sex, lies, or dishonesty).  

I responded that what really matters in my book, is what you do once you're at the top.  If you happen to reach that sweet spot at the intersection of success and fame, and you use your subsequent power to do good things, then I can't judge the steps you took or the 'issues' you may have had.  It's not my place.  Your journey is just that, yours.  If you choose to share it with me, I should be so lucky.  Maybe I'll learn something.   

I find the concept of one kind of success being more deserved than another kind of success rather ironic.

Because as humans, we are biased to look out for self first.  And that same bias is a cornerstone to our generation's relationship with our employers, institutions of higher learning, our political views and even our parents.  Traditionally, it's viewed as selfish--yet, here we are blogging about it. 

We're spilling our guts about how we quit jobs, denounce companies, and to top it off, we talk openly about our insecurities.  And we're doing it with thousands of people who may not be good gut handlers.  Talk about risky behavior.

We get intimate with complete strangers all in the name of 'having a conversation'.  Or getting a job.  Or becoming millionaires off the blog hits that come from our unsolicited, albeit controversial, honesty. 

Every generation's moral arrogance is stronger than the one before it.  Someday a younger, smarter generation will come along,  Among them, will be the children of mommybloggers, and they will say our means were 'questionable'. They will pledge to make it to the top, but they will make it by doing something different.  Something inherently 'better'. 

They too, will wonder whether someone like me, who has done the things that I've done, really 'deserves' it.   Because the truth is, there are some things that make total sense in the short term, but completely lose their relevance long term.  That includes sex, lies and dishonesty.  And maybe even blogging.  Sometimes you need to look beyond the controversy, and just focus on the facts.

As cultural values continue to change, so will the tactics.  And Seth Godin is right.  The answer will probably be no, I don't 'deserve' any of it.  

And I still won't care.  My journey is mine.  Let the work I've done speak for me.

If My Mom Had A Blog, I'd Read It Every Day

Well, maybe every other day, because when she tells a story, no detail is left unsaid.  My Dad and I have been accused of being 'rude' because we interject things like "you already said that" and "I'm sorry, what was the point?". She's never deterred though.  She just sighs and tries to do it without the detail, but she can't.  She's too consistent.

Great bloggers are consistent.  

Her favorite joke is about two birds sitting on a boat.  One named Pete and one named RePete.  She tells you that Pete falls off the boat. "Who's left??" she asks.  You unsuspectingly respond with a hesitant 'Re-Pete?' and she finds great joy in starting the joke all over.  You can't make that kind of thing up.  She is FUNNY! 

Great bloggers are funny. 

My mom supports small businesses.  She's kept the same housekeepers, handymen, and dry cleaners for years because she is a loyal customer.  If she likes your product, she will buy it.  She will stay in situations longer than she needs to just because once-upon-a-time she believed in you.  And when others stopped, she didn't. 

When I told her that it wasn't normal for her nail polish to chip after one day, I also asked her how her long-time manicurist stayed in business.  She told me that it was because Mimi is mild natured.  "AND," she added rather matter-of-factly, "Mimi has a lot of special needs and elderly clientele".  

My mom likes that Mimi will fix your nails if you mess them up before you leave.  So I ask her if Mimi fixes the nails that Mimi messes up.  And Mom doesn't think that's funny.  Not even a little bit. 

My mom would be a great blogger because she's someone who truly wants people to know how she thinks.  She doesn't just type about it, she lives it.  In fact, one of her favorite phrases is, "is there a manager I can speak to?".  Good or bad, she actually fills out customer feedback surveys.  She is a marketers dream--if you can find her.  Because she's not online.  Which makes her opinion her own.  And more credible.

Great bloggers have a credible opinion. 

For her, receipts are not just pieces of paper.  For her, they are a guarantee that your product is what you say it is.  So she keeps every single one and she will absolutely return an item if it fails.  In fact, when she received notice that one of our cars was involved in a large class action suit for maintenance issues, she dutifully responded by pulling all maintenance receipts and sending them in.  A hefty 5-figure refund check arrived in the mail a few months later.  My mom wasn't surprised.  She was vindicated. 

My mom is the epitome of what we should all strive to be.  Namely, someone who cares.  Someone who listens...to EVERYBODY. 

Most lessons in the home are taught by observation.  I spent almost 6 years away from home and the entire time I wondered what I was missing.  Little did I know, the entire time I was doing things the way my mother does.  I clean the way she cleans (in piles), and I fold sheets the way she folds sheets (with all the pieces stuck in the middle).  I even show love the same way that my mother shows love.  Turns out, I've learned a lot from my mom without her telling me I needed to learn it.  And without me even realizing I've picked it up. 

And when I think about it like that, I could be doing a lot worse.  I'm so grateful the lessons I learned from my mother are ones that I'm proud to say I'm repeating.  She's a role model. 

We need more role models in the blogosphere. 

If my mom had a blog, I'd read it (almost) every day.  Happy Mother's Day, Mommy!

Everybody's Talking About Relationships Because Talking About Them Is the Easy Part

I met these dudes at a Cinco de Mayo celebration yesterday.  We started talking about dating, not dating each other, just dating in general.  I'm by no means an expert, because my dating patterns are careful and specific.  I date with a purpose. 

See I feel like if you become consumed with casual dating, your life begins to be shaped around always having 'somebody'.  Instead of really focusing on an individual, you try and fit every potential suiter within the general space that you've carved out for 'somebody' to exist within.  You begin to do things like ask cliche questions and give stock answers. 

Whether they're a good fit has nothing to do with them, and everything to do with all the individuals that came before them and what impressions those people left in that space...That's baggage and it's not helping your cause.  I use the same logic when it comes to job hunting.  I don't casually apply for jobs, either.  I am careful and specific.  I apply with a purpose.

Anyway, I digress.

One of the guys at the table said something along the lines of, 'I want to meet a woman who could fall in love with me at my worst'.  His logic being that if he met her when he wasn't his best self, and she stuck around, then she's the one...

Say what??

Sorry. Does not compute. 

Seriously. There are certain dating phenoms that make no sense, no matter how much I think on it.  And this is one of them. 

I was talking to my writer-friend Kevin, and he asked me about my last relationship and what I learned.  I gave the short version and admitted I made some mistakes.  But when it got to the part about what I learned from it, I couldn't answer.  Kevin could.  He told me that in his last relationship, he learned about his boundaries and what makes him tick.  I was impressed--until I remembered he's a writer.  All of his learnings are probably documented :)    

While I wish everyone enlightenment, the reality is that we don't all reach the point of 'learning about relationships', or anything else for that matter, from our mistakes. There are too many people who believe they aren't making any mistakes.  And even more who choose not to learn anything from them. Like the Cinco de Mayo guy.   

I just don't operate within such spaces.

I think it's great to talk about relationships.  How to build them and how to keep them.  However, the bottom line is that being successful in a relationship, starts and ends with you.  It's about self-awareness.  If you're good at relationships, you can walk away and take something from each of them.  If you're not, you can walk away and it ends up taking something from you. 

And you live your life like Cinco de Mayo guy--always talking, because talking is the easy part.  Instead of creating and exploring options with people at your BEST, you walk around showing people your worst and then 'hoping'. 

What comes first--being stupid or being hopeful? 

Anyway, Cinco de Mayo guy was rude.  Not only did he say I was materialistic and shallow, but he said my friends were unapproachable.  When I asked him if he felt better after being so disrespectful to strangers, he responded with a predictable 'yeah, I do!'  Saying hurtful things because they feel good is the easy part. 

I was angry.  And when I drove away, I stuck my hand out of the window and gave him the middle finger.  MAN, THAT FELT GOOD!!!  

...Then I turned around, and I went back and apologized.