Everybody's Talking About Relationships Because Talking About Them Is the Easy Part

I met these dudes at a Cinco de Mayo celebration yesterday.  We started talking about dating, not dating each other, just dating in general.  I'm by no means an expert, because my dating patterns are careful and specific.  I date with a purpose. 

See I feel like if you become consumed with casual dating, your life begins to be shaped around always having 'somebody'.  Instead of really focusing on an individual, you try and fit every potential suiter within the general space that you've carved out for 'somebody' to exist within.  You begin to do things like ask cliche questions and give stock answers. 

Whether they're a good fit has nothing to do with them, and everything to do with all the individuals that came before them and what impressions those people left in that space...That's baggage and it's not helping your cause.  I use the same logic when it comes to job hunting.  I don't casually apply for jobs, either.  I am careful and specific.  I apply with a purpose.

Anyway, I digress.

One of the guys at the table said something along the lines of, 'I want to meet a woman who could fall in love with me at my worst'.  His logic being that if he met her when he wasn't his best self, and she stuck around, then she's the one...

Say what??

Sorry. Does not compute. 

Seriously. There are certain dating phenoms that make no sense, no matter how much I think on it.  And this is one of them. 

I was talking to my writer-friend Kevin, and he asked me about my last relationship and what I learned.  I gave the short version and admitted I made some mistakes.  But when it got to the part about what I learned from it, I couldn't answer.  Kevin could.  He told me that in his last relationship, he learned about his boundaries and what makes him tick.  I was impressed--until I remembered he's a writer.  All of his learnings are probably documented :)    

While I wish everyone enlightenment, the reality is that we don't all reach the point of 'learning about relationships', or anything else for that matter, from our mistakes. There are too many people who believe they aren't making any mistakes.  And even more who choose not to learn anything from them. Like the Cinco de Mayo guy.   

I just don't operate within such spaces.

I think it's great to talk about relationships.  How to build them and how to keep them.  However, the bottom line is that being successful in a relationship, starts and ends with you.  It's about self-awareness.  If you're good at relationships, you can walk away and take something from each of them.  If you're not, you can walk away and it ends up taking something from you. 

And you live your life like Cinco de Mayo guy--always talking, because talking is the easy part.  Instead of creating and exploring options with people at your BEST, you walk around showing people your worst and then 'hoping'. 

What comes first--being stupid or being hopeful? 

Anyway, Cinco de Mayo guy was rude.  Not only did he say I was materialistic and shallow, but he said my friends were unapproachable.  When I asked him if he felt better after being so disrespectful to strangers, he responded with a predictable 'yeah, I do!'  Saying hurtful things because they feel good is the easy part. 

I was angry.  And when I drove away, I stuck my hand out of the window and gave him the middle finger.  MAN, THAT FELT GOOD!!!  

...Then I turned around, and I went back and apologized. 

Comments

[Nik]

I heart you! :)

[Thaddeus]

There is a lot that could have been said about that night. Of all the things that could have been taken the wrong way...Of all the things that may have been said under the influence of friends or spirits...I hope even some good may have come from it. I for one realize I have quite a few more things to teach my girls about the balance of ambition, success, relationships and love. I must do it because this balance is missing in today's elite.

I sit back and look at how we were taught to get out there and get it. Our parents main focus was to make sure we were successful. It seems our parents were so consumed with success, they forgot about purpose and love.

I kind of agree with Cinco De Mayo Guy. Why should a guy have to floss like a male gazelle approaching a female in heat. I should present my best self to you at ALL times knowing that I wont be my best at all times? You wont be your best at all times. That’s crazy and unrealistic. You need to know who or what you are dealing with in a relationship. That “best self” you talk about so much about on the job or in a relationship is usually an amplified puffed up version of the reality that will inevitably deflate.

Lets keep it real..Dont waste time with fakeness and flossin. Meet and know a person for who they are and not what they have to offer "best self". Any man can present on a date that so called best self. But Is It Real? U don’t know.

[Kiersten Mitchell]

Thaddeus--Hi (again)...First let me say success, purpose and love are not mutually exclusive. It is very possible to have all of them simultaneously. It doesn't have to be a balance in the traditional sense.

I think you should present your best self at all times, because that's what YOU deserve. That's why you're put here on this earth. Your playing small does not serve the world. I didn't say that. Nelson Mandela did!

You being YOUR best you has nothing to do with me. It has nothing to do with being fake or flossing. My best self has been broke down. Several times. It's about understanding universal law and knowing that what you put out is what you get back. If you're half ass, and attract half ass, then you can't really complain about what kind of cards you're dealt.

I'm completely fine with people who feel as Cinco de Mayo guy does. If people believe in the 'it can only go up from here' strategy and decide to live their life based off it, then go for it. It's just not for me. Or anybody I choose to associate with.

That's true that you don't know if you're meeting a man or his representative. That could be said for anyone or anything, but if that's your excuse to not put YOUR best foot forward then I think you'll miss out on a lot of great opportunities. Like I said, relationships should always start and end with you.

Cheers!

[Thad]

There has to be a balance. There is only so much “you” a person can give. If I am a glass of Mango-Pineapple juice (with some rum in it! lol), I can’t give 4 masters all of me. I can evenly distribute… or someone will have less and others more! The best way is balance. Or give more to the greater purpose or biggest need.

When you talk about “Best Self”, you use it in the same sense as a career. The thing about a job is…your only there for 8 hours a day!! There is always the potential for a “not so perfect” you to emerge; maybe after your 8 hour day, maybe driving off in a Lexus with your hand out the window (lol)! It’s REAL LIFE to get your feeling hurt or have your self-esteem crushed at some point. When this happens, people are definitely not their “Best Selves”. So what at that point… leave?

My point is…. a relationship is more than 8 hours, its 24/7. You don’t get a break or a lunch, its 24/7. If you think you will find someone, marry and both of you will present your “Best Selves” 24/7 for the rest of your lives, that relationship will surely end. That’s a pretty high expectation. It’s an idea, fantasy…its fiction (storybook stuff!!). Reality is, 60% of marriages end in divorce. (60 PERCENT) People come into relationships with conjured up fairy tale ideals as to what it should be/ expect that and when it is not, they bail out only to do the same thing again with the next relationship. You know were we get these ideals, books, radio TV!

I’ve been married 10 years. It’s been heaven and hell wrapped up in the bed sheets. If you have had ANY past relationships, you have baggage. The better the past relationship, the more expensive that Luis Vuitton gets (harder to throw out).

The longer you work on a relationship, the better it gets. Marriage is when 2 independent people become one. That process takes some time. The longer we work at it the better it gets. Have you ever listened to marriage vows? Those vows acknowledge the fact that neither of us will always be our “Best Selves” (adding that those vows are older than we are).

Relationships are not careers, ambitions or goals. They are relationships. There is an entirely different unselfish strategy that must be initiated in order to maintain it. Don’t let the Hard Knocks School of Heartbreak or Divorce have to teach that.

In closing, I would like to say I do enjoy your conversation. Once my first show is scheduled, I would love for you and your girls to participate.

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