Jun Loayza wrote an article about how he knows his girlfriend is the one. He brought up a couple of great indicators, but my favorite had to be the one where he says that they fight for the right reasons.
There are times when fighting with someone you love is natural, then there are those others times when it's really, really hard. And the level of difficulty is not just limited to your fighting with a mate, it applies to family too. In fact, I fought with my dad a few months ago and cried for 3 days straight. Words hurt more than anything because they resonate with you for years and years to come. I used to work with young girls who were all screwed up because of something some knucklehead told them many moons ago. It's so careless but it's an all too familiar story.
When you are arguing with someone you love, you have to make sure there is a built in filter behind that wall of respect that will make sure you don't cross the line and say something that will stick in their heart and stay there...festering...forever. Be responsible, people!
You can fight, but there is a way to fight RIGHT:
1. No Cheap Shots--This includes "yo mama" jokes, name-calling, and anything of the sorts. It's distracting and it's mean. Beyond that, it takes away from the main point of the disagreement. To respond by throwing out something cheap is passive aggressive. How is the original issue ever addressed? Now you just have two people who are even angrier for no good reason.
2. Stay on the topic!--I have a girlfriend who is notorious for this. Every time her boo does something that she disagrees with, she brings up this one time when he was in Vegas and puked in front of the sidewalk cop. Obviously that one transgression makes him irresponsible for this rest of his life. Right. Here's my take: knowing someone's past is a gift. To use it against them, especially in an argument, doesn't reinforce positive communication or mature interaction.
3. Say what you have to say, and then SHUT UP!!--There is nothing I hate more then someone who dominates the conversation. Just as there is a right/wrong way to communicate successfully, there is a right/wrong way to respond in order to correct an action. And sometimes information is just that...information. You don't have to add a point of view that counters mine every time I take a breath.
4. When it's over, it's over. No revisits!--I used to be guilty of this one. After we'd finish a big argument, if the other person said ONE thing that even resembled our spat, I'd be all "SEEEEE...THIS is EXACTLY why we argue all the time!" We'd be in another argument (which in all actuality, is still about the first argument) and he wouldn't even realize it LOL. Learning how to let go is key to fighting fair. Each argument should be taken at face value.
My grandma used to tell me, "the skin you take care of in your twenties is the skin you live with in your fifties." The same could be said about relationships. Protect those you love by making sure you don't cross any lines during the fight.
Hey K. I recently had a fight with my mom and we're doing okay but there is much tension. We both said things that were true but off topic and I think it hurts more when you argue with your parents because of the level of respect you have for them. Unfortunately I don't believe in respect by birthright and many time my mom will use that against me so that I don't say things that are on my mind. Fighting with my hubby is different and way more productive. He listens, I listen and in the end we try to leave the past where it is.
Posted by: Tiffany | May 01, 2009 at 04:02 PM