What Happens When Your Dreams Aren't in Line With A Business Cycle?

What happens when your dreams aren't in line with a business cycle?  Can you still just dream? Or do you start to adjust? You know, like when you want a new job when no one is hiring. I wonder if this is the kind questioning that births pessimists and if I should stop.  Then I realize I can't stop because if I am feeling it, then it is real...miraculously, I stop questioning after that.  

Resentment.  I really like my new boss. I know I was hard on him, but he has really proved himself.  Today he told me something really nice and my ego was warmed by his genuineness.  Then I had a meeting with my team and realized they are becoming an amazing group of women.  I don't credit myself for their growth, but I will undoubtedly blame myself if they do not maintain it once I leave.  I wonder if they will resent me for leaving to pursue the same traits for myself that I've been pulling out of them these last few months...

Friendship.  I'm going to the beach with my oldest friend this weekend.  We haven't traveled together since we were in high school.  She said she needed to get away and I was surprised she chose me to get away with.  Last month, when she was visiting me, I told her something about me that I had never shared with anyone.  It was nothing to be proud of but I shared it because I thought she needed to hear it. I wonder if she judges me or trusts me more because of it...

Trust.  Today I saw someone who I've only met one other time. The first time we met, I had my guard up because I didn't know her.  We connected anyway because she was determined to break through it.  I always think about the how and the why of her feat, but then I stop because I don't have time. 

I don't cry in front of anyone, even though I cry regularly.  I hear it's good for the soul so I indulge.  When I was crying in the car because I was on the way back to Charlotte, I wanted to call this person.  I know she felt it.  Today when I saw her again and hugged her, I wanted to spill everything I'd been feeling, but came back and wrote about it here instead.  I've only met her one other time.  Does that make me strange? 

Writing, and the dangers of REALLY writing scares me.  Penelope Trunk says I should stop feeling so friggin special.  Because I'm not.  Penelope tells the story of her childhood and how Anne Frank spoke to her as a child, "not because she was documenting war, but because she understood that in some people, the drive to write down what is happening is stronger than anything else." 

Penelope goes on to say that "the history of obsessive writers destroying lives around them is not new. The history of writers feeling an insanely huge need to tell something to the world at all costs is not new."  It's not new.  So I just should write and write freely, right? RIGHT? mmkay.

I want to write children's books.  I want to write books that don't take them to fantasy lands.  Books that teach them to use their eyes, and not necessarily their imaginations.  I want to teach kids to appreciate the world as it is right now.  The same one that is full of imperfections and tragedy.  The same one that they are living in right now.  Is that child abuse? Nah, I think that's true creativity...  

I want to expand my website and I am thinking I need to spend more time brainstorming.  I have a vision but money is tight.  I am working 11-12 hour days and haven't found the time to contribute to  building a brand other than the one that pays me.  I have a vision but money is tight.  What happens when your dreams aren't in line with a business cycle?

I would absolutely love to work for the companies I applied to last week.  I've been busy researching to ensure that this is a right fit.  It is.  Meanwhile, I'm just praying that they call me.  I'm also praying for the Obama family--Barack, Michelle, Sasha, and Malia.  I pray for their friends too, because I know how much the Obama's must be relying on them right now. 

To be completely honest, their victory would mean more to me than my own...What happens when your dreams aren't in line with a business cycle?

I miss my family.  I want to drink Cognac with my brother at his new bachelor pad.  I want to have girl talk with my teenage cousins and answer questions about french kissing and thong underwear.  I want to get wisdom from those in my bloodline who have been there and done that.  I want to be candid with the aunts who are realizing that I am a woman now--I want to need them.  Damn.  I want to spend 2 weeks in Texas this Christmas.  I work in retail...what happens when your dreams aren't in line with a business cycle?    

I'm thinking about B.  I wonder if he'll notice the changes in me and then not like them. It scares me because I love him.  

I'm thinking about S.  I wonder when he'll notice the changes in me and then start to like them. It scares me because I love him. 

I'm thinking about Tiffany and her family.  I wish her the best though I've never met her because she is the lady of the household.  I am thinking about Cheryl. James. Kellen...Lauren. Jen. Rubble. Sean. Angelia. Nancy. Monica.  I find I often don't have time to share the words I have for them, but they are on my mind.  And I probably scare them, because...they love me. 

I'm thinking about quitting.  I wonder if my personality would remain in tact without the security of a job.  People keep telling me urban legends about people who are job hunting and failing.  My immediate reply is "but I have so much I want to do".  No sooner then the words slip my from my lips, that the doubt sets in...is it really so much I want to do? Or is it just so much I want to think about?  There's a difference and the difference, I find, depends on the catalyst. 

This is really more of a stream of consciousness then a blog post simply because I hate soul searching. I'd much rather have something tangible to show for whatever I was trying to accomplish.  That's why I write, that's why I shop, and that's why I painted my walls two shades of orange earlier this year.   

However, I'm comforted by the idea that I'm not alone in this quality. I get to see it played out every single day.  Manypeople find solace in things. You shop, therefore I blog...about ya'll.  

About ya'll.

Part of me will be so happy when people start shopping again.  Part of me won't...what happens when your dreams aren't in line with a business cycle?  

Comments

[Tiffany Joiner]

Very interesting post as my mind works in the same way. Not sure how many Tiffany's you know so I won't assume anything but otherwise you pose a great question. At my current company, I thought my dreams were completely in line with their business cycle. I imagined being in the same company for years (which to me would be a great accomplishment) but alas once I got hired and discovered that what I thought I wanted was not what I wanted at all, it all turned down-hill. I too wonder if what I think I want is actually what I want. I have much doubt in my decisions because in the past I have jumped into situations expecting the ideal scenario to unfold, only to find that its much less than I imagined and its hard to accept when you don't understand why.

I also don't quite understand that if the hiring and employment situation is so bad why are there so many job openings in my fields of interest. I guess optimism affords more choices and others just can't seem to try something else; at least for the time being.

Anyway, keep your head up K. Figuring out what you want to do and trying to stay true to yourself is not easy. You're definitely not alone as I am going through the same mixed feelings but I do know that optimism and praise of self thus far is the soup that will warm the soul.

Cheer up ducky! =^]

[Kiersten]

Tiff, you know I was talking about you! :)

Thanks for the message chica.

[jackie w.]

Writing has always been an outlet for you,more like an extension, even as a budding 1st grader writing about what Thanksgiving means to you, writing has always been a big part of you, when you did not say things verbally, you said those things with your writing and that is YOUR gift, regardless of what cycle things are in. Keep writing, keep dreaming and know that family will sometimes not recognize your growness b/c it makes them feel that they no longer have control,this is coming from someone who has lived thru other peoples doubts. You have a standing invitation and accommodations in mi casa anytime you feel the need to put up with 3 immature teenagers.