My thoughts are controversial at times. My value system can be interpreted as rebellious. I'm fascinated by extreme lifestyles and constantly read about them. This is me. Straight, no chaser. I'm impatient and have little tolerance for certain personality types. I'm moody and introverted.
For me, love is an action verb and I love easily. If I had a choice, I would indulge in whatever I'm loving at the moment all the time; even if it was deemed unhealthy.
In the odd fusion that is my personality, I find that I have all the makings of a potentially tragic story.
It's poetic and profane all at once.
Today, when someone asked me to write a love story, I chose to write about my quest to create the perfect career. My explanation was simple, "my career saved me from myself...and I will always love it for that reason alone."
When I graduated, I found a position in retail where my personality was able to act as the perfect complement. Starting a career invited structure and discipline into my world where those traits didn't come naturally. Work gave my time and my actions purpose. My job made me focus my energy into something positive. Having a steady job made me well-adjusted, despite some traits in my personality that may have prevented that otherwise. I was lucky.
For a long time, my job served as a filter for the way I perceived my self-worth. Through my work, I became a version of me that I could be proud of. I looked forward for to the day when my personality would be wise enough to be it's own filter; that would be the day I could be my own boss.
When my job stopped being complementary, the filter I'd been using for such an important part of my life wasn't as effective. Without it, I immediately noticed some of the more toxic aspects of my personality beginning to take over. In a few months I managed to end a great relationship, spend a lot of money I didn't have, and stop showing up for work.
I was still being myself but, left to my own devices, I was awful.
Everyone is capable of their own brand of crazy.
No one is exempt from the undesirable traits and vices that can stem from just being yourself, when you're by yourself. Thank God I had a system that recognized where I was headed and helped me make critical decisions about my life while those decisions were still cheap...waiting could've cost me my optimism.
I believe that people are born with equal amounts of the potential to be successful and the potential to be lazy. The unfavorable traits only dominate when there is not some mechanism, person, or thing in their life strong enough to keep them dormant. For many people that stronghold is a job. Which means for the many people who just lost their jobs (or have yet to find one) that aspect will be missing.
So this post is dedicated to the people who may find themselves feeling alone in their thoughts, situations, or otherwise. It's dedicated to those on the verge of depression because they are unfulfilled. More importantly, to those who wrongly assume that they are strong enough to face those feelings alone. You're not ready. Just being yourself won't help you.
It takes a big person to tell someone that being themselves is not good enough. It takes an even bigger person to try being something else for a while...