Life, Love, and the Pursuit of Happiness...

A lot of really great things have happened to me outside of my job in the weeks I haven't publicly written.  And although I've scrawled static thoughts and random musings in my notebook, there was nothing that I was proud enough to post.  I mostly struggled with ideas of love--both human love and my love for doing work that matters.  I found both are difficult, both are complicated, but both are basic needs of mine. 

As I began self-medicating courtesy of my local book stores and my Amazon Prime membership, I've realized the opportunity cost of staying in the same job is far greater than the guilt that I feel from wanting to quit.  It's not that the job itself is causing dissatisfaction. it's more that my energies are just not complementing each other. Every day I feel like I have to make a choice between my job and my livelihood and it's wearing on me.  It's tough to keep (or write) in an authentic voice at home when I spend all day faking it at work. 

I start to wonder if my life would be so much easier if I didn't understand the notions of economics and psychology. Within my own hierarchy of needs, some of my most basic ones are not being met.  Yet as I wrap up 2 really tough weeks at work, I am reminded to trust in what is difficult.  I'm angry at times, sad and disappointed at others, but I don't allow those feelings to define my existence.  I have enough faith to believe that God would not allow me to remain somewhere I'm not supposed to be for very long. 

My dad gave me my business acumen, but my mother, she gave me my spirituality.

Perhaps I've got it all wrong.  Maybe my screwy logic is really just messing up fate, but I thank God for my doubt, my recent tears, and his favor all at once.  As I shut off the TV and face real shit, I pray that I will soon be in the "right" situation.  And that He'll forgive me for not having the grace to describe my life using a more appropriate word than shit.

I don't talk about spirituality a lot, but it's a love I don't really struggle with.

If it weren't for my mom, I wouldn't have the relationship I have with God.  I wouldn't know where to go with my inner most thoughts, fears, desires, etc.  My mom and I don't always see eye to eye but I am her child just as much as I am my father's.  She is supportive in ways my dad could never be--emotionally, spiritually, physically.  She's always there.  I don't have even to say it with her because no matter what "it" is, her loving tone never changes. And when her tone does change (because 'never' is an ideal), her intent doesn't even flinch. 
 
My mom tells me the story that when I was very young I went up to her and told her that I wanted blonde hair.  I wanted to be like my classmates in school...My mom lovingly told me that I couldn't be a blonde and we moved on.  Today I could probably count on one hand the number of times my mother has told me I couldn't be something -- including that example.  Well this year I got some blonde highlights just to prove her wrong.  When I dyed it back to black her only response was "Oh thank God".  Yes Virginia, people still do wear their natural hair color.   

My mom is what people aspire to be before life gets in the way. 

I love her for not letting life ruin her perspective. 

This year she got a super huge raise and bonus at work and I was so proud of her.  My dad said it was because "she finally started to do some work".  I said it's because she finally decided to be recognized for it.  She said it's just because they didn't give her anything last year!...Either way, she was grateful.  Grateful for something she RIGHTFULLY EARNED.  Amazing.  I love her for not letting life ruin her humility.   

She is completely computer illiterate.  In fact, my dad (an avid reader) will probably have to print this post out to show her.  She probably won't even read it all the way through, but she'll just love the fact that I wrote about her.  She looooves Target! She loves being on the go.  She loves tradition.  She loves victims.  She loves Top Model, American Idol, Oprah, The Kardashians, and any other cheesy reality show you can think of...I love her not letting life prevent her from still being able to fall in love.   

A few weeks ago she decided she decided she wanted a new car.  She went out and bought herself a brand new 3 series BMW. I love her for not letting the economy ruin her dreams. 

I turn 24 tomorrow.  As I have been spending 90% of my free time as of late searching for the "proof" that there truly is a disconnect between my world as it is and my world as it should be, it's nice to know the proof is right here with the one who raised me.

Comments

[Tiffany]

Great story! I have a similar relationship with God where I relish in the fact that it could be worse and that through my continued belief and trust in his guidance he has rewarded me. It can sometimes be hard to see the reward but its there if you understand that the present is truly a gift.

Although what is and what should be may be separate, that doesn't mean that you cannot make it come together. My mom always tells me that sometimes we have to do what we don't want to to get to where we want to be. I agree to a certain extent but there are always choices.

Continue to believe in not only Him but yourself as well. Listen to your heart too because that is where he is speaking to you the loudest.

By the way...HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!

[jackie w.]

Okay, you had me all misty eyed, until you lumped the beloved Oprah in with cheesy reality shows .....no way. Now you see why I relish my relationship with your parents, they raised you and your sib in such a way that I can't help but emulate. In using my Barnes & Noble book club card to fill in where I feel a lack, all of the books state that when you want to be successful in any field, surround yourself with those that you deem successful.....thus the connection to your family. Don't worry, I'll make sure your mom gets a copy of this. As for your searching, that's a good thing, it means that you won't settle until all of your questions have been answered. However, try to remember to 'bloom where you are planted'. Completely take in where you are at this time, cause it won't be long before this is all a distant memory. Happy Birthday !