Last night I got a traffic ticket. The officer pulled me over because my tags were expired. I had no idea--it was a bad choice not to be informed about the regulatory maintenance that comes with owning a vehicle. Then he asked me why I haven't gotten my N.Carolina license yet as I've lived here for years (this is my second ticket citing the same offense). It's a bad choice not to comply with the law, but a conscious choice nevertheless.
Part of me wanted to tell him that it was because having an NC license implies a creeping permanence that I'm not comfortable with yet, the other part of me just wanted to admit it was a bad choice. Instead, I promised him I'd be at the DMV first thing in the morning to get it corrected.
This conflicting rhetoric is something I face daily as I explain looking for a new job when I'm highly successful in my current one: do I chalk it up to just another bad choice? OR do I attempt validate the sanity factor in what I've chosen to do? The funny thing about sanity is that it only becomes insanity when the people around you can't understand your choices.
A degree of work/life imbalance comes with the territory of the life I chose or, as Jay-Z says, the life that chose me. So why seek flexibility in something so rigid as a corporate ladder? Well, because...And it's right there, in the 'because', that the vulnerability of revealing my real needs comes into play. Vulnerability not because it's extremely personal, but vulnerability because it's different.
I've had the opportunity to spend time recently with people who have made different choices then I did. Housewives, graduate students, family members and the like. The one thing I've learned about choices is that being around others who have made different ones makes you question yours.
Fortunately, good friends don't allow you be so demeaning.
My good friend Scott is cordial, extremely successful, intelligent and well-respected. His convictions are solid. But he's still single. For that choice, people often wonder what's wrong with him. Something MUST be wrong with him...So Scott addresses the issue of his choice validation simply by always being on the defensive. He doesn't allow anyone's choices to affect him because he doesn't care to talk to anyone. He doesn't ask about your life because he does not want the guilt of having different choices to ruin his. He's one of his BEST friends.
It's truly a privilege to be a part of Scott's world and when you get an invitation, you don't turn it down. He actively chooses who he lets in and who he keeps out. For that choice, people often think he's cold. Something MUST be wrong with him. If he ever saw this post, he may be furious that I empowered myself to invite you in, or he may be flattered that I actually understand his logic. Or he may not even care because regardless of my opinion, he still owns his choices...
While I don't agree with Scott's methods of emotional barring, I also don't encourage him to stop. As with most successful people, I'm sure he attributes his success to some of these very traits. Because I'm his friend, I understand that his being emotionally unavailable is just an unpopular means to an end that many people envy. And I recognize that sometimes even unpopular means can get you to an admirable end.
I've gotten encouragement all week from the most unexpected sources. After all is said and done I've realized that real sanity only comes from making the ultimate choice to surround yourself with good friends...including yourself.
Memory is the best wealth.
Posted by: Ajf 4 | July 15, 2010 at 10:55 PM