His words cut me like a knife. Despite my racing heart, our eyes managed to catch each other right before his lips uttered stern words: "I have some concerns". It was like he said it in slow motion. I remember everything, even down to the sweat gathered at the top of his forehead. I imagined it challenging gravity to a duel. I saw the sweat bet that it would not ever hit this guy's perfectly laundered shirt; rather it would just sit, mocking me as I was criticized for my work in muted tones. And it did. In return, gravity took its frustration out on my stomach as it sunk deeper than I ever imagined possible. I felt it drop over and over as this man explained all that was wrong with the situation at hand.
It wasn't a bad break-up. It was the first time my feelings got hurt at work.
"He" is a young African American high ranking executive that I looked up to. I assumed we would hit it off immediately. He came from humble beginnings and I relished in his fast track up the corporate ladder. He had come into my store for a routine walk. Granted, things were not perfect but it truly was my best effort. I could tell he wasn't happy, but in a vain effort to sway him I asked what he thought. His only response was "I have some concerns". Man. He really hurt me that day. It's been over 6 months and I still remember that feeling...
I wallowed in my pain for a few days, then snapped out of it and tried to make things right. I sent him an email to ask what specific action items we could work on. He never responded. As a result, my hurt turned into resentment. I recently had a meeting to discuss my career progression and the same guy came up in conversation. Turns out I have to interview with him as a final stipulation. My resentment quickly turned to vulnerability. Luckily, my blog offers the rare chance for my vulnerability to become an opportunity: an opportunity to vent, perhaps to educate, but most importantly an opportunty to move on.
I'm set to meet with him next week. I'm ready and I mean that with the utmost confidence. My best is so much better than 6 months ago and my heart is so much stronger...
Matters of the heart are always a sticky situation. It's especially tough when you choose (and it is a choice) to involve your heart in what you do for a living. Where there is love, there is pain. Where there is pain, there is life.
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